I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
phew
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!