Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.