I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good