I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
WWE is French for “yes”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely