I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
For those that worship cheese..
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.