Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

I can’t stop watching this.

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Brilliant!

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”