Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

#Caturday

what day is it?

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*