I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I named my house “shape”, now I’m always in shape.
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”
I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me
Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Unfortunate sticker placement.
4: *opens door
Hi, is your mom home?
4: she’s in the tower
mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”