@Muath_tu

I named my house “shape”, now I’m always in shape.

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@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

@NicestHippo

I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”

@diannaeanderson

I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me

@PastorBate

Dear diary,

Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person

My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear

@_ElvishPresley_

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

@ItsJusKimberly

[doorbell]

4: *opens door

Hi, is your mom home?

4: she’s in the tower

mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”