Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.