I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.