Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Always a metermaid never a meter

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

When you “pspspsp” too hard

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.