Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

went fishing caught a bass

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.