i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Doggies just call it style.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*