I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hmm, not sure about this change
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?