Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Adultry does not sound fun at all

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?