I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Many hands make light work
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.