I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
You Might Also Like
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.