Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Did a trash talking tree write this?

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Mad Max Arctic Road