Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

You sure about that?

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no