I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: