Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport