I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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Investing in beetcoin
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
good let them take over I have had enough
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong