I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
🤣
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
It’s a gift
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no