I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
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robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.