I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
You Might Also Like
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.