I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.


[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse


5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?


Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.


Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.


Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.


Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?