@ItsSamG

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

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@ArfMeasures

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

@envydatropic

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

@TheBoydP

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

@MavenofHonor

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

@awkwardphilippe

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

@CheckMeowTBruh

[social pariah]
I’m an undesirable. I have been excommunicated from society doomed to walk this Earth forever alone & unloved.

[social piranha]
ALAN! MY MAN! I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE BAR! GIMME A SEC! A KID JUST FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

@heiditron3000

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide