@ItsSamG

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

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@Mom_Overboard

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

@realHamOnWry

Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.

@AdamBroud

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

@markleggett

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?