I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart