Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m an undesirable. I have been excommunicated from society doomed to walk this Earth forever alone & unloved.
ALAN! MY MAN! I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE BAR! GIMME A SEC! A KID JUST FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide