I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
With a text.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.