I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Twitter remains undefeated
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.