I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.