Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

I feel like one of these would kill a European

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?