I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.