i need a beautiful woman to season me and mix me into a giant pot of stew
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
All I’m saying is the only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.