i need a beautiful woman to season me and mix me into a giant pot of stew
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
become ungovernable
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
son: I don’t care, you dumb baby!
daughter: I’m not a dumb baby, you’re a dumb baby!
me: hey!!! what have I told you guys?!?
son & daughter: all babies are dumb so it’s redundant
me: thank you!
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”