I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
You Might Also Like
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!