Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

the red hot silly peppers

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.