“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Just had my nails done!
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
watching gymnastics
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
bad news gang
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?