“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.