@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

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@the_tsai_guy

If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.

@jimmytorosian

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

@joshesjames

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

@sophielou

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

@lloydrang

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

@Reverend_Scott

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.