If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*