“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.