“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
#milo
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Not all heroes wear capes…
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.