I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
You Might Also Like
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
called in thicc to work this morning
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.