Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”