I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Still cracks me up
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens