Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

work smarter, not harder

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Every. Damn. Time.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.