I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I hope this email finds you in a well