Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

A collection of me turning into random objects.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.