I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
How wrong was this guy?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom