Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

I didn’t come here to be called names

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.