“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Sheer Arrogance”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.