I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.