I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Did my cat write this
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”