Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.