Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
You Might Also Like
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.