I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?