I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
learning about math 🧐 📝
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…