I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”