I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You Might Also Like
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Finally
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”