Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

yeah 😭

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

White parent Vs Arab parents

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!