Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

All right then, keep your secrets

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

I heard you’re supposed to talk to your plants, it helps them grow so when I water mine, I say “you like that, don’t cha?” The artificial plant is still thriving, so there’s that.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.