I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.