Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Wake me when AI does housework

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me