I need a headline like this
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
Put this video in the Louvre
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
this came to me in a vision
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The chart results are in…
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single