I need a headline like this
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
A man of commitment.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.