I need a headline like this
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Time for evil
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Introverted vegans go meetless
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.