I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
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There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
When your parents check you’re ok.
OH. COME. ON.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.