Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

[the middle of showering] I need a break

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?