Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend