I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
B
How does someone manage that 🤨
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Mornin
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-