Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Just organising my finances.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

a god among men

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.