I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.
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True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
im gay on my mothers side
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.