Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
When they try to steal your moment.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
yeet
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”