Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

I beg you to euthanise me

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

I gave up going to work for lent.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*