I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?